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crabdar the god-clam

muskotl the doom oyster

igthump the masher mollusk

As dumb as we thought they all were on that island I now feel like the dumb one... the answer was sooooo obivious..

You discover a small island at the coordinates you found, and you take a rowboat ashore to check it out. You discover a nice little village of about a half a dozen bamboo huts, but no one seems to be around. Then, you pick up the sound of someone whistling a tune, and follow it to find a tall sandy-haired man standing at a workbench, tinkering with some kind of bamboo-based device. "Oh! Hello," he says, noticing you. "Welcome to the island. They call me 'the Professor'."

You shake his hand and ask him what he's working on. "Oh, just a little gadget to make our lives as castaways here a little easier. If it works, I'll have transformed this bamboo and some of the larger seashells we've found into a primitive but functional espresso machine."

"That's very impressive," you say, "but wouldn't your time be better spent building a boat?"

"A boat?" He ponders the question for a moment. "...Of course! A boat! Why didn't I think of it before! I could build a boat, and finally get off this beautiful tropical island where the half-wits I'm stuck here with revere me as a god because I can get FM radio on a coconut! Boy, I sure am sick of spending every night with a beautiful red-headed starlet! That's just what I'll do -- build a boat, escape this terrible paradise, and go back to my old life as a high-school science teacher in Scranton, New Jersey!"

"...I'm detecting just a hint of sarcasm, there."

After he's done rolling his eyes, you help him gather some large rocks he needs for a natural gas-fueled pastry oven he's working on. It's a pretty good workout.

never though of that... but it is probably true...

waddle with the duck in hand many do the larb with glass and stars in the night with you and dice form many years of light and singing with turtles and pie for all and many more with them zebras flank the long and lush desert of timely table manners and pristine towers of stagnant society moving towards eternal blissful oblivion of selfless care and idolization of icons not found with need for before and after the fall rose up to meet them for climax of needless orgies of pleasant carnage and carebears laced with urine and jasmine, filled with happiness times three.

Kittens lie emasculated. Puppies ripped from the arms of mother-hood, never to recieve it again; nor, now, ever to give it. Alone, frightened, violated, and irrevocably changed; they cry out into the night.

No one heeds their calls. No answer forthcoming. No one offers comfort.

The cold steel bars gleam in the dull light of the exit sign. It offers no hope, merely illuminates the gaping orifice through which escape lies. Close, yet impossibly far. The sight offers as much pain as hope. Eventually their crys fall silent, and they sit and stare at the dim glow, remembering.

Their tiny heads pounding with the last traces of the magic used to quell them, they now recall the smiles of their loved ones. They were just through that door.

They try now to recall what it was they did; what horrible mistake they made to deserve this punishment. They must have done <i>something</i> wrong.
...Something.

<b>* NO! No! Bad!*

*God DAMN it!!!*

*You stupid! fucking... UghhhHH!!!!*

*Bad! That's a bad Girl!*

*Look what you did!!! I swear! I turn my back for three seconds!*</b>

It must have been something BAD. Their familys <b>loved</b> them. They wouldnt be here if they didn't deserve it. If they could only <i>remember</i>! They wouldn't do it again. They'd try so hard! They'd make sure of it.

There has to be a reason! ...But everything seemed fine, everyone was happy. They were even going on a trip. You only get to go on trips when you're good. ???

<b>NO!</b> There HAS to be a reason! Or else their family just left them scared and hurt; abandoned them just ...because. <b>NO!</b> There IS a reason!

They just ... have to remember, just have to remember... ... ... ...


<b>So remember people, spay and neuter your pets.</b>

snail, my little man
slowly, ahh, very slowly
climb up mount fuji

Here's a true story from a medical case.

A crack-addicted woman pregnant to term presented to an emergency room complaining of contractions and fluid gushing from her vagina. She had received no pre-term care. The labor was exceptionally difficult, and upon completion it was discovered that the child had three working legs, no anus, no urethra, and no genitals of any kind.

What do you do?

Choice A: Surgically intervene, remove the extra leg and hip, craft an anus, urethra, and vagina, and call it a girl.

Choice B: Leave it alone, and look forward to 'the diarrhea vomiting three legged freak' at the local circus.

Note for choice B: With proper use of over the counter drugs, the child might survive given at least one daily purge using heavy laxatives and emetics, such as an X-Lax + Syrum of Epicac cocktail, essentailly maintaining osmotic balance by water saturating the feces and forcing them out of the mouth.

The doctors chose choice A. And the world will never know the joy of watching a deformed three legged person painfully spray watery feces out of their mouth, probably several times a day.

//Only among these friends do I expect this story to provoke applause.

so are we applauding the doctors choice as the most humane or that it would be more entertaining to see the three-legged humanoid for a buck??

I'd pay a buck to see a poop-vomiting tripod and be very, very happy for a long time. *clap clap clap*

personally, i would have crafted the orifices, but left the leg. fuck, i want a third leg.